Archive for April, 2006

Checking my Stats.

Published
by
Keith
on April 23, 2006
in Everyday Rambling
. 3 Comments

I spent a few minutes looking at the website traffic for MonkeyJack and several other sites tonight. Once I was finished, I did a little blog surfing. I jumped over to Hugh Macleod’s blog to see what he had to say today.

He had the perfect post - too funny.

Anyone who isn’t familiar with him should check out his website, especially his post (upcoming book?) titled “how to be creative.” Good stuff.

Scott (Ransackery.com) turned me onto Hugh’s site about a year and a half ago when he came into the office and dropped a printed and bound copy of “How to be Creative” in my lap telling me that it was worth the 15 minutes it would take to read. I’m not sure if Hugh would be happy or sad to know his hard work has found it’s way to the place where all great reading happens - my toilet. It now resides next to a stack of industry rags and a beat up copy of Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in the basket beside the throne. A place of honor.

The copy has gotten a bit worn, and I noticed he’s added some new content, so I think it’s time to retire my original copy in favor of a fresh one. Maybe I’ll get to it this week.

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CVS Marketing Dorks.

Published
by
Keith
on April 21, 2006
in Everyday Rambling
. 3 Comments

I was at the checkout counter at CVS pharmacy tonight when I noticed a little sign stuck to the credit card machine. It said (I’m paraphrasing here) “If you have a positive customer service experience, we want to know, give us a call while you are shopping and be registered to win $2500!”

I’ve never seen a promotion asking you to call with a positive testimonial while you are still in the store. I asked the cashier if I literally had to call while I was IN the store. She had no idea. I asked what she would get if I gave her a glowing customer service report. I figured maybe they would get something out of being a “team” player. Turns out all they get is an “adda-boy.” WOW, way to reward your employees.

Then, I noticed there was no phone number listed on the sign. I asked the cashier what number I was supposed to call. Again, she had no idea. They tell me to call and then don’t tell me where to call. dorks.

So, I left the store, and it occured to me that I had one of those little Extra Care cards hanging from my keychain. Sure enough, there’s a phone number on the back in small print. What the heck, I gave it a call. I got one of those computer phone answering systems. I waited through the list of options until I heard “Hit 4 to share a positive experience or complaint with a CVS store.” Sweet, I might as well tell them how great my experience was (it was actually just OK) and get registered for some M-O-N-E-Y!

beep.

“I’m sorry, the department you have requested is not open, you will have to call back during normal business hours, Monday thru Friday 8am to 5pm.”

ummm, CVS is open 24 hours and the little sign told me to call while I was in the store, but the option to share my experience is limited to business hours only. again, dorks.

I decided to hit 0 and get an operator. I asked her about the “win $2500 promotion,” and she didn’t know anything about it either, but she have a good laugh, and she kept saying “Only in the United States.” I don’t think she has too much faith in U.S. companies.

Come Monday I’m heading back to CVS early Monday morning and giving them a call from the store. I’m going to call with a glowing CVS testimonial (whether I have one or not) and get registered to win my $2500. I figure if it’s this difficult to register, maybe I have a chance!

Marketing dorks.

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I Smashed the Poop Outta that Game.

Published
by
Keith
on April 18, 2006
in Everyday Rambling
. 6 Comments

Being a Dad isn’t all fun and games. Sometimes it starts with fun and games, but then goes down hill reeeeeeaaaaally fast.Mario and Donkey Kong in Smash Brothers

We were playing Smash Brothers tonight on the old Nintendo 64. It’s a good game for a 4-year old, as long as you don’t mind teaching your kids senseless violence. Charlie was Mario, I was Yoshi, and Marc was here too, he was Donkey Kong. All was good.

I had just smashed Donkey Kong’s head into the ground, then turned and kicked Mario in the butt. As I watched Mario sail across the screen, I caught the smell. It was a bad smell. A very bad smell. Suddenly all was not good.Smash Brothers Yoshi

Charlie dropped his game control and started heading for the bathroom.

“I gotta poop Dad, I gotta poop.”

That’s when I saw the walk. His knees were bowed out like he was riding a horse, He was on his tip toes moving fast, leaving an invisible wake of stink.

I guess I literally kicked the poop right out of him. Now that’s dedication to a video game.

I chased him to the bathroom and… He didn’t make it.

“Dad, I have a big poop in my pants.”

I helped him onto the pot, and took his pants off. Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Not good not good not good.

I called in the reinforcements.

“Lori, I need backup in here STAT!!”

Lori took over in the bathroom and I headed to the basement to take care of the underpants. I had it all figured out, we have this REALLY big iron sink in the basement which empties right into the basement floor drain which goes right into the sewer. I could just dangle the offending pants under the faucet and the water would rinse the chunks away! viola! I would be done in a snap!

It was a great plan, but unfortunately the execution was very poor.

I held the pants under the faucet and turned the handle. In my exuberance to be done with this job, I sort of overturned the HOT water handle. It’s a very powerful faucet, and the hot water gets very hot very quick because it’s like two feet from the water heater. So, the water shot out of the faucet and hit the underpants really hard causing poop to explode all over the place.

At that point, only one thing came to mind.

“Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…”

The hot steaming water had intensified the pungent stench too. It was a truly awful discovery.

So, now I was going to have to clean poop off the sink, wall, me, etc. This job was getting worse by the second. I looked into the sink, and noticed that the water was rising, nothing was going down the drain! What the @#$^&!!

You know it, the drain was plugged. So, there I was standing over a sink full of steaming hot poop soup while holding a pair of soiled Incredibles underwear with little hunks of poop splattered everywhere.

I decided to take a moment.

And then I took another moment.

Actually, I think I took several moments.

And then I began to unclog, clean, and scream bad words.

As I was finishing, I heard a small voice behind me.

“Daddy, whatcha doing?”

That’s when I realized, I just went through this whole ordeal to save a pair of $1.00 underpants. Next time, straight to the garbage can.

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Is this an offer I can refuse?

Published
by
Keith
on April 13, 2006
in Everyday Rambling
. 4 Comments

This is probably the best offer I’ve gotten all day.

“I’ll shred some paper for you IF you touch my butt.”

Feel free to imagine the circumstances for yourself.

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Shoe Noodle.

Published
by
Keith
on April 12, 2006
in Everyday Rambling
. 2 Comments

I found Ramen Noodles in my right shoe this morning.

I’m guessing Charlie put them there. Maybe Lori, but I’m thinking Charlie is the better bet.

Chicken Ramen Noodles

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I hope they didn’t steal all of the chocolate milk.

Published
by
Keith
on April 8, 2006
in Everyday Rambling
. 2 Comments

I was up late Thursday night working on a project for a client. At about 1am I decided I need to take a break for a few minutes, so I headed down to the corner CVS to get some TUMS and Chocolate Milk. (I had heartburn, and I was thirsty. Dont judge me.)

CVS is open 24 hours a day, so when I nearly walked into the glass doors when they didn’t open, it surprised me a little. I must have looked like a stunned bird after running into a window, because three employees with panicked looks ran over to the door waving their hands at me yelling that they were closed.

A little shocked, I headed back to my car, but before I could get in, a police car zoomed into the parking lot and stopped right behind my car. A female officer jumped out, pulled her gun and started jogging towards the building. As she passed me, She asked. “Were you just in there?”

I told her “No, they wouldn’t let me in.”

She asked “Did you notice anything strange going on??”

I said “Well, the fact they didn’t let me in was pretty strange.”

After giving me a slightly annoyed look, she ran to the edge of the building and started scooting down the wall peeking in the windows. I never realized exactly how silly this move made somebody look when it wasn’t in a cop show or movie, because she looked really silly. She was hiding behind walls and peeking in windows, and I was only 10 feet away from her in a wide open parking space. hmmm. I hopped back in the car, it was probably a little safer place to watch from.

A couple minutes later, she was inside the building talking to the customers and employees. Well, it didn’t look like I was going to see any gun play, so I decided it was time to go, but before I could leave, two more police cars pulled into the parking lot blocking my ability to back out. Damn, I was stuck.

After about 5 minutes, and several camera phone pics later. I decided I was going to get out of there anyway. I managed to twist my car out of the parking spot, praying the whole time “Please don’t let me hit a police car… please don’t let me hit a police car.”

I headed to the other parking lot exit, but as I rounded the building I saw 4 more police cars. There was just enough space to squeeze behind them to leave, so I started creeping toward the exit, but before I could get there, one of the officers went to the back of his car to get into his trunk, blocking my way. I was about 15-20 feet from him with my car aimed at the exit. It felt pretty awkward, but I just sat there and watched him. He got into his trunk and stared pulling out this BIG gun. Just as he lifted it out of the trunk, he turned his gaze towards me and screamed “TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS!!”

When a police officer holding a BIG gun screams at you from 15 feet away to turn off your lights, you do it. So I did it. Then I backed my car into another spot and waited anther 10 minutes. Once things died down I made a dash for the exit and got outta there.

I decided Walgreens was probably a safer place to shop that night.

Sidenote, the TUMS fixed the heartburn and the chocolate milk was delicious.

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Hi Speed Access.

Published
by
Keith
on April 5, 2006
in Everyday Rambling
. 4 Comments

I’m staying at the Quality Inn hotel tonight. I wanted to get online and check my email so I stopped by the front desk and asked if there was a place I could plug my laptop in. The concierege told me it wasn’t a problem because the hotel is now wireless!

Sweet! I asked how to get online, and they handed me a little slip of paper with an email address and password and told me to use this info to log in for my hi-speed wireless access. Again, YAY!

Just as I was turning to walk away from the desk, he says “Yeah, give that a try but I haven’t gotten it to work or had anyone get it to work yet.”

I went back to the room thinking maybe I just didn’t understand what he meant, so I gave the username and password a try. Sure enough, it didn’t work.

When the Quality Inn says they have hi-speed wireless access, just know that they aren’t talking about hi-speed access to the internet, becuase I’m thinking that their wireless internet access is more of a myth.

So, here I am at 1 am sitting in the 7′ x 7′ square room dubbed “the business center”, complete with a half full plastic cup of mountain dew, an unopened can of diet mountain dew and a waste basket overflowing with beer cans and print outs of country music song lists.

The computer is litered with icons for online poker sites and links to a powerpoint presentation named “supermodel.ppt”

To be fair, they do have a stapler, hole punch and printer too (complete with 7 sheets of paper!).

I’ve found the perfect home for the beer guzzling, country music listening, poker playing businessman who needs to staple some shit. Oh yeah, no claustrophobics allowed either.

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